Joy + Pain- & Other Thoughts on Mamahood

Mother’s Day….. A day of celebration & gratitude….a day of JOY

But in reality any place where JOY exists, so does the potential for pain.

My own Mama journey is one full of both JOY and immense pain. This painful, dark underbelly of motherhood, I have shared with very few. Some may look in on my life and see only the JOY, because it is so much easier to share and despite the pain I have always sought JOY. But in my truth telling, I know Joy in the truest way, because I also no pain.

My very 1st picture with my babe- I never had imagined this is what my first time holding him would have felt like or looked like

Becoming a mom is something I always wanted. I never imagined the intensity of feelings it would bring. On the day my son was born, I describe it as the best day of my life and the most terrifying all at the same time. Joy + Pain. He was born at 36 weeks and required NICU intervention and support with breathing. This wasn’t what I had planned for, what I had expected. We were separated for 5 pain staking hours after birth and twelve long nights. During that painful time, I said to myself,  “If I could just get him home, I wouldn’t even care if he never slept or cried all the time”. Having to leave him in the hospital and go home to sleep was such an intense pain that it made me numb. After 12 days I got to bring my baby boy Blaine Wyatt home. I was delighted. JOY. In its purest form. I stared at him, listened to him breathing and wept joyful tears. As I snuggled him one day I said to my mom “ I know why people have 10 babies”.

And then came colic, and 6 months of sleepless nights, and pushing myself to finish my master’s degree and be “the perfect mom” and all the other things I had been before I was a mom. And I pushed and I pushed to keep all the balls in the air.

And as they began to fall, so did I. Pain & sadness turned into anger and resentment. I was so far from myself. Post Partum depression began to takes its grips on me and the joy I used to know. On the outside, few would guess, but the pain so intense and dark it almost won.

On December 23,2015- two days before my son’s 1st Christmas- I walked into the doctors office in crisis. I cried and cried and said “ I don’t want to be like this for my son’s first Christmas- I don’t want to miss it”. She was kind, gentle and she listened and she took good care of me.

With the love, support and care of my family, friends, the doctor and counselors – I found my JOY again.

I didn’t miss Christmas that year, but it took immense energy to be present.

But in the journey through that pain- I am grateful for one thing-  the way I see JOY now. In the small, everyday things that sometimes get taken for granted. In my toddler, that I see the magic in him. That i’m not missing it- everyday.

So today, if you are hurting, if it is not a joyful day for you, I understand. If mother’s day brings immense pain, the pain of the mother who longs to be, or the pain of a child whose mother is not here for mother’s day, or the mama who miscarried, or the ones who are estranged- to the mom who is stuck in darkness and does not see the light- I see you- I do not know your exact pain- but pain is pain- and I see you. My heart goes out to you!

As a self proclaimed JOY CHASER- I don’t have all this JOY, all day, everyday stuff figured out. But what I do know is that Joy and Pain are not separate variables. They exist together and it takes time, practice and compassion to choose JOY through pain.

Brene Brown says “When you numb pain, you also numb your joy”. I believe this to be true and it is why I shares with you both my pain and joy because I wish to feel them all. The only way out is through Joy Crew- the only way out is through.

Take care

Xo Missy

 

in our happy place