I wish I could remember “the day”, the actual day when my perspective shifted to see the raw wonder and beauty in my everyday messy imperfect life. I can’t quite pin point that day, but I do know that it was a process of pulling myself back up after struggle. It was reflection, intention, letting go and learning to trust the process that got me to this beautiful place. Once I could see the beauty- the everyday beauty, I felt a major weight lift.
My journey to motherhood was fairly simple, it was something I always dreamed about and wanted. I had envisioned it as something that I would LOVE every minute of and would do with ease. My reality set in when the intensity of emotions- high and low and exhaustion left me in a chronic state of waiting for life to return back to “normal”. As months past, a darkness came and I got stuck in the day to day tasks and lost sight of the beauty. These were dark and scary days. Sad days. Angry days. And days that never intended to have in motherhood, this role I had always wanted. Those big feelings brought so much guilt and shame that they were immobilizing. I loved my babe so fiercely it hurt sometimes and other times I felt like I was just existing rather than truly living. My life was all about getting the tasks done and really not about fully living.
All this darkness came to a head a few days before Christmas in 2015. My house was picture perfect, with gifts wrapped in matching paper, matching family PJS ready to go, sugar cookies bake, the perfect Christmas card and I was a total mess emotionally and exhausted and not present. As I wept, I remember saying “I don’t want to miss it, the magic of his first Christmas. I want to be present, I want to be there, I want to remember”. This day I think marked my steps to finding a healthier way, a less perfection seeking way, a real and raw way. To finding a way to live by my heart and not expectations or “shoulds”. A way that honored this new life as messy and magical and so damn beautiful all at the same that it hurt in raw ways and amazing ways. Sometimes I think being cracked wide open allows us to rebuild emotionally. That quiet darkness brought the light I see today.
As I dove further and further into a path of intentional living, my awareness of beauty in small things grew. I remember saying to a dear colleague “I’m so glad I’m not missing his JOY”. I am so glad I can see the world through his and marvel at the wonder- even if its wild chaos lots of the time!”. My presence in the moments allowed me this gift
As I began to see the beauty, I became obsessed with wanting to “capture” it- to find a way to remember it, to find ways to remember what it feels like in this “season” of mamahood. I searched for a photographer who I felt could capture “everyday magic” and found the sweetest soul and amazing talent in Rachel of Sawmill Photo Co. This past summer I invited her to spend the morning with my family at our cottage.
The cottage is a place of connection, peace and play that is oh so good for us all. I asked her to come capture us being us. Slow start mornings, pancakes and jammies and catching bugs and playing… no matching outfits, no planned shots or props just us……. This was a vulnerable place to be for the “craving perfect in me”, but I knew it was important. It is important because when I am old a grey (which I hope I have the privilege to be one day) it is the messy beauty that I want to remember. It is the pancake Saturdays, story books and snuggles that I want to remember what they felt like. It is these treasured moments of connection that I want my Wild {B} to look back on and see, just how LOVED he was, in his every day, just because.
Before the shoot I had those thoughts like “oh maybe I should wait until the cabin renos are finished” or “maybe I should wait until I loose 10 pounds” or “maybe I should wait until {B} isn’t so wild and on the go”. But I told those thoughts to take a hike, they like to creep in for all of us…but they are worth pushing through to say “Hey, my life is beautiful just the way it is. It matters. We matter, just the way we are. “
These photos mean the world to me…. They bring joyful tears, they are a reminder of my health and the hard work that it has taken to get to a place to honour my everyday ordinary as so damn beautiful that it deserves to be documented and preserved. Because that’s the truth. They are a reminder on hard days that love lives in our home. It is a reminder of who we are and the good things in life. Sure, we have chaos and toddlerhood and tantrums and “is it bedtime yet days”- but all in all we are pretty darn lucky to have each other to love and be in this wild and crazy life together. It’s beautiful to belong to one another and be loved, just because we are.
We all have times in life of darkness and light, know that no matter where you are at, you are not alone. Know that you too can pull yourself back up. Lead with love and focus on the tiny moments of gratitude…. that’s where magic exists…even though its messy! And capture that magic in mess, you might just surprise yourself…. Get in the frames with your people and don’t let those not good enough voices win! Your everyday life is freaking beautiful too!
See the photos here : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5MlXXGsH1wPWDmeB9LMlVw/videos?view_as=subscriber
BIG LOVE
XO Missy